Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Self Published Authors Guild

I was told by the Bilderberg Group that I can finally make this announcement; I'm the first president of the newly formed SPAG - Self Published Authors Guild.

All of the top indie authors in the world have been meeting, in person and in highly complicated Skype chats where we all have little squares like the credits of The Brady Bunch (or The Hollywood Squares) in order to create an organization that specifically meets the growing needs of self-pubbed authors.

Our first orders of business will be as follows:

1. Start the Hugs For Reviews initiative.

Everyone knows that I've gotten more than 15,000 reviews on Amazon, and I've paid an average of $50 per review to people who haven't actually read my books. Hugs For Reviews will streamline this process, providing SPAG members with a database of fake reviewers (examinateurs fausses) who will pretend to read your work and then give it five stars, all in exchange for cash.

We're calling it "Hugs For Reviews" instead of "Cash For Reviews" to ward off all the whiny little Twitter bitches who will cry moral outrage if they hear money is involved. 


2. Demand, via notarized petition delivered to Jeff Bezos via overnight FedEx, that Amazon begin paying KDP authors 200% royalties.

For years, we've endured the indignity of 70% royalties, without any collective bargaining power to get Amazon to raise that number to something fair. SPAG members are responsible for more than 85% of Amazon's total world sales, and we want a bigger piece of the pie.

With 200% royalties, Amazon will pay us double the list price of every book we sell on their many websites around the world. They'll also pay double current market value for our cover art, formatting, proofreading, and when required, ghost writing. 


3. Initiate the "Let's Shame A Legacy Author" campaign. 

Starting immediately, we will be partnering with renowned telemarketing firm CYDD (Call You During Dinner) to pester everyone who has a current Big 5 contract by phoning them up to 38 times a day, calling them "Pinhead!" and then hanging up. 

Our Facebook page will list everyone who has ever signed a legacy deal, along with their addresses, pictures of their homes, cars, children, pets, and childhood friends. Then we will be sending them vague, cryptic, anonymous threats such as, "That's a really nice car. Stop signing legacy contracts or we'll blow up Wyoming."

Also, we'll probably do something with LinkedIn, once we figure out if it facilitates anything other than irritating humble bragging.


4. Buy the Authors Guild, tear it down, and build something useful in its place, like an Uno's Pizzaria.

Damn, Uno's is some great stuffed pizza! And that's no April Fool joke.

SPAG will be open to the tens of thousands of self-pubbed authors who can offer documented and notarized proof that they earn more than $500,000 a year. That should cover just about everyone.

As your first SPAG president, I'd like to take this opportunity to say that I have your many concerns as an indie author first and foremost in mind, and I'll devote myself 24/7 to meeting your needs, which will be difficult to juggle with all the embezzling I plan on doing with SPAG membership fees.

Also, SPAG membership is $500,000 a year.

This annual fee includes a part-time staff member who can help you update your LinkedIn profile. His name is Charlie, but don't give him any of your personal info, because he's a registered sex offender.

I encourage you to join SPAG immediately. With our united efforts can we stomp out the injustice of something or other. 

Remember: It's Us vs. Them. Only by driving a wedge between us and our well-meaning peers can we ever hope to show them how much they suck.

Joe Konrath, SPAG President

43 comments:

Stephen Leather said...

Can I be the first to congragulate you on the appointment? Well deserved!

Stephen Leather said...

Can I be the first to congragulate you on the appointment? Well deserved!

Joe Konrath said...

You were the first. And the second.

Stephen Leather said...

'Cos I'm so excited! I voted for you, you know!

Joe Konrath said...

Thanks again, Stephen! Your vote, plus the eighty-six times I voted for myself, let me edge out Hugh Howey.

Anonymous said...

Viva le SPAG

Sabrina Chase said...

Joe, is it true you will be celebrating your ascension by issuing minions to the first hundred commenters? Because I really need minions. And don't give Stephen Leather two just because his enter key got stuck.

Mike Bray said...

Well played, Sir.

Joe Konrath said...

Unfortunately, there will be no minions.

But there will be lackies!

Anonymous said...

Good one Joe.

Susanne

Eden Sharp said...

Seeing the SPAG acronym actually made my left eye twitch seeing as how semester is over for Easter hols and I'm drowning under an avalanche of papers that need marking. In my world you see, it stands for spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Arrghhh...

Bridget McKenna said...

Where, oh where do I sign up? No downsides I can see from here. SPAG me, baby.

Jim heskett said...

I want in on the ground floor. I have $1.73 million to invest

Joseph Ratliff said...

And a "Rick Roll" is an added bonus to SPAG membership.

The fee for which I will pay in Monopoly money (ha, ha, get it?). :)

Jeff Bach said...

I was wondering how much time before you and the Bilderbergs began to collaborate. I suppose this took place while you were at Davos?

Norma Beishir said...

$500,000 year dues, huh? I'd have to rob a bank.

Happy April Fool's Day!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your new post. In our private forum, members of the Heroic Effort To Trounce Indies are preparing for the SPAG-HETTI Wars.

Are you prepared, Konrath?

Joe Konrath said...

Are you prepared, Konrath?

No.

But my sock puppets are prepared!

T. M. Bilderback said...

But there will be lackies!

I want lackies, Joe! Patterson has lackies...why can't I?

D. U. Okonkwo said...

LOL!! Happy April Fools, Joe!

R. Brady Frost said...

I'm so excited to be one of the first SPAGtites to join the throng that will surely follow. The membership dues were a lot to swing, but you'd be surprised how much you can get for a first-born these days. And, you know, since most of my neighbors have them, it was relatively easy to amass enough to buy my way into this enterprising franchise.

ML Banner said...

President Joe
- My check for my initial dues is in the mail, as soon as you will verify your bank information. You will get an email from one of my Nigerian staff. You might need to pluck this from your SPAM folder because they often get stuck there. Just follow his/her poorly worded email--I think they know as much English as James Peterson needs to know for his current novel writing--and send all of your personal information as instructed.

You are a credit to this day, and I will fondly remember your post.

Michael

Bartosz Adamiak said...

Sounds nice :) is it international organization ?

John Ellsworth said...

Joe,

Thanks for the call and for putting me in your will.

How did you get my number?

John

Walter Knight said...

Being a self appointed President is easier, and cuts through a lot of red tape.

Craig Hansen said...

Next on Fox News 11: Joe Konrath wins unanimous vote as first SPAG Presidency, and the details MAY surprise you.

Good evening.

Tonight, Fox News 11 has learned that novelist Joe Konrath won the presidential vote for the first Knesset and SPAG Presidency by a unanimous vote. At this hour, the White House has declined to offer a call of congratulations.

"I have proof the White House funded my opponent in this race, a real Mickey Mouse candidate if ever there were one: Mickey Mouse. In the weeks to come, I will pull together a coalition government whose first priority will be to send the White House an email that says, "Nee-ner, nee-ner, you're from the party of Anthony Weiner." As well as issue a mandatory bumper sticker to be worn on the foreheads of all Americans that says, 'Don't tread on indies, either, bee-yatch!' In this way, we'll prove to the White House once and for all, you cannot buy off our voters."

In a related story, Fox News 11 has learned that while Konrath was elected unanimously, only two votes were actually cast: both, by 'the British Joe Konrath,' Stephen Leather.

Oh, and some political stuff happened today, too. Don't worry. It wasn't important. Just tax hikes and corruption. Nothing out of the ordinary.

When we return: Joan Rivers: Several months dead, and STILL outspoken!

adan said...

:-)

The Other Stephen King said...

I read somewhere that current plans for SPAG fail to include minions. I must ask, in all sincerety, what good it could possibly be without minions? We must have our minions.

Valerie Douglas said...

Congratulations, Joe. It couldn't happen to a better guy!
However, we do have to do something about the minions. Lackeys are good, but nothing equals minions!

Dale Day said...

I protest!

Don;t know why but it sounds good.

I wanted to run for VEEP but the PEEPS Uncle Joe beat me to it.

William J. Thomas said...

Congrats Joe, on your unanimous appointment to the office. Very interesting that your only staff member is Monica Lewinsky though...

Terri Reid said...

So that's why I wasn't able to meet you at the LIM conference - Ophelia was FINALLY going to introduce you to me. Sigh! And there you were spagging around instead of hanging out at your usual haunts. Well, as Stephen said, Congrats!

Donna White Glaser said...

I voted for you, Joe! And so did my deceased relatives who all "reside" in Chicago. Does this make me a Spag-hag?

Sophia Goss said...

I can not meet the annual dues, I am to new to have voted for you, but I'm confident that the hugs for reviews is a winning campaign. Congratulations!

Anonymous said...

Are your books this subtle?

Annie McKinnon said...

Where do I sign up to be one of the telemarketers who calls people during dinner to yell "Pinhead!"?

Gretta Curran Browne said...

haha - it's April Fool's Day - you always do one on 1st April, Joe, but this year there is no "just kidding" so some people out there may take you serious and quote you -- Dumb, I know, bit's becoming a Dum-Duh world in some places.

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sashagirl said...

You're the president...could I be the vice-president? Oh, and I'd also like a million dollar a year paycheck. No, no...make that two million. I need another island. April Fool!

Brian Switzer said...

Can you send someone by to pick up Charlie? He's on the fifth day of a seven day drunk, and has locked himself in the bathroom. Poor Charlie has been on a crying jag since the cat spurned his advances shortly after midnight. I'm trying to write here.

Theresa Lackinger Cole said...

I apologize in advance for commenting here, but I just downloaded your ebook. I love what I've read so far and decided to follow you on fb as well.. but it tells me your fb acct has reached the friend limit. Interestingly, when I went to befriend you on fb, I saw your name is Joe and you are from Chicago. I am wondering if it was your father I met last year in Austria? A man named Joseph Konrath from Chicago stayed at my cousin's Inn while my dad and I were there visiting. Either way, I am very happy to have found your work.

Pop Lit said...

Hi Joe,

We're taking a stand for DIY publishing at the Allied Media Conference in Detroit this June. We'd really like to have a DIY celeb such as yourself make a statement on behalf of the movement for the event.

Would you do a short email interview with us? Our zine is www.newpoplit.com and it's edited by Karl Wenclas and myself.
newpoplit@gmail.com

Best,

Andrea Nolen

Gretta Curran Browne said...

After the first paragraph i knew it was Joe's annual - APRIL FOOL's DAY! Ha Ha!