I've blogged a lot about things writers can do to promote their books.
Here are some things they shouldn't do, both on the self-promotion front and in service of their careers.
Don't be pushy. Ever. It's about what you have to offer, not what you have to sell. Your main goal in self-promotion should be finding and meeting people who are looking for your type of book.
Don't be self-absorbed. If all you talk about is you, people will tune you out. A conversation isn't a monologue. Give and take should be part of all human interaction. No one wants to listen to you toot your own horn.
Don't be boring. Unfortunately, boring people never think they're boring. Short of videotaping yourself to see how you act, try taking your cues from the people you interact with. Do they seem into you, or anxious to escape? The better you can read your audience, the better you'll do.
Don't feel entitled. Yeah, you work hard. Good for you. That doesn't mean you deserve to be published, or you somehow earned your success. You got lucky. Feeling like the world owes you, or acting like God's Gift, is a sure way to annoy potential fans.
Don't be ungrateful. Being thankful, gracious, and helpful goes a long way. Don't bite the hand that feeds. Your fans, and anyone who helps you on your journey, deserve your attention and praise. Give freely of your time.
Don't be bitter. Yes, you got screwed. We all get screwed sometimes. Complain to your mom and a few close friends, but let the public always see you as successful.
Don't be defensive. There will be critics. There will be suggestions. There will even be people pissed at you. Don't take any of it personally, and diffuse the situation by listening to them and thanking them for their time. Once you put up your dukes, its hard to put them down again.
Don't be needy. Sure, you want to be read. Yes, you want your time in the spotlight. But fishing for compliments and begging for scraps are pathetic and embarrassing. Act confident at all times.
Don't be unprepared. You're a professional. There's no excuse for not giving 100% in everything you do that's related to your profession.
Did I miss anything?
Monday, March 10, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Write A Good Story
It drives me a little crazy whenever I hear authors state that their job is to write the best book possible, and that's all they have to do.
The "that's all they have to do" part is what drives me crazy. In this competitive marketplace, the more the author can do to promote the book, the more books they will sell. Period. You can argue with that, but you'd be an idiot to try.
But the "write the best book possible" is something I agree with 100%.
Of course, the concept of "good" is a subjective one. One person might like something, the other may hate it. The author has little control over that. But the author does have the power to understand the genre they're writing in, and the ability to deliver on reader expectations according to some standardized storytelling mechanics.
If you write recognizable, conventional prose in a popular genre, your chances of getting published increase dramatically. I'd go so far as to say that the reason there are so many writers getting rejected isn't because they suck. It's because their work isn't focused enough to appeal to key demographics that publishers actively sell to.
Know your market, and you have a much better shot at selling your book.
This just happened yesterday to a close friend of mine. I'll name him if he allows it, but we'll call him HP.
HP labored in obscurity for years, writing a lot of unpublished stuff.
Then he wrote a damn good thriller, and landed an agent and now a great publisher. He called his shots, and hit what he called.
Congrats HP, we always knew you had it in you.
But HP's success story isn't one based on fairy tales and lottery wins. Was luck involved? Hell yeah. But craft, study, and deliberation paid a huge part.
HP immersed himself in the thriller genre. He attended the conventions. He met and befriended authors. He read extensively. He wrote hundreds of thousands of words of mediocre prose to hone his craft. He learned about the industry, and how it worked.
Then he wrote a thriller using everything he learned. He wrote. And rewrote. And edited. And rewrote. And rewrote. And edited. And rewrote. Until he had something that his peers generally agreed was publishable ("good" being subjective, but I certainly thought it was good.)
In short, he demystified the publishing process, and found his place within it.
But it doesn't end there for HP. Getting a publisher is just the beginning. His "good story" will hopefully be embraced by the unwashed masses, and they'll like it so much that they talk about it and buy copies for each other.
Agents, editors, and publishers believe they know what will sell. But they still fail all the time. Ultimately, the public determines what will sell, by buying it.
Writing a good story plays a part in that.
Sure, there's coop money, and ad campaigns, and discounting, and lots of ways for a publisher to push a book. But the book still has to be worthy of the push.
Make sure your book is worthy.
All too often, writers dwell on telling the story they want to tell.
Maybe writers should take a step back and ask themselves:
What is this story trying to do?
Who is this story for?
Will this story satisfy the intended reader?
Because a "good" book is ultimately the one that fulfills reader requirements. That reader could be an agent, an editor, or a single mother in Scranton, PA. They all have criteria.
Learn what those criteria are.
Promotion is about getting people to try you.
But once they try you, telling a good story is what makes that person a fan.
The "that's all they have to do" part is what drives me crazy. In this competitive marketplace, the more the author can do to promote the book, the more books they will sell. Period. You can argue with that, but you'd be an idiot to try.
But the "write the best book possible" is something I agree with 100%.
Of course, the concept of "good" is a subjective one. One person might like something, the other may hate it. The author has little control over that. But the author does have the power to understand the genre they're writing in, and the ability to deliver on reader expectations according to some standardized storytelling mechanics.
If you write recognizable, conventional prose in a popular genre, your chances of getting published increase dramatically. I'd go so far as to say that the reason there are so many writers getting rejected isn't because they suck. It's because their work isn't focused enough to appeal to key demographics that publishers actively sell to.
Know your market, and you have a much better shot at selling your book.
This just happened yesterday to a close friend of mine. I'll name him if he allows it, but we'll call him HP.
HP labored in obscurity for years, writing a lot of unpublished stuff.
Then he wrote a damn good thriller, and landed an agent and now a great publisher. He called his shots, and hit what he called.
Congrats HP, we always knew you had it in you.
But HP's success story isn't one based on fairy tales and lottery wins. Was luck involved? Hell yeah. But craft, study, and deliberation paid a huge part.
HP immersed himself in the thriller genre. He attended the conventions. He met and befriended authors. He read extensively. He wrote hundreds of thousands of words of mediocre prose to hone his craft. He learned about the industry, and how it worked.
Then he wrote a thriller using everything he learned. He wrote. And rewrote. And edited. And rewrote. And rewrote. And edited. And rewrote. Until he had something that his peers generally agreed was publishable ("good" being subjective, but I certainly thought it was good.)
In short, he demystified the publishing process, and found his place within it.
But it doesn't end there for HP. Getting a publisher is just the beginning. His "good story" will hopefully be embraced by the unwashed masses, and they'll like it so much that they talk about it and buy copies for each other.
Agents, editors, and publishers believe they know what will sell. But they still fail all the time. Ultimately, the public determines what will sell, by buying it.
Writing a good story plays a part in that.
Sure, there's coop money, and ad campaigns, and discounting, and lots of ways for a publisher to push a book. But the book still has to be worthy of the push.
Make sure your book is worthy.
All too often, writers dwell on telling the story they want to tell.
Maybe writers should take a step back and ask themselves:
What is this story trying to do?
Who is this story for?
Will this story satisfy the intended reader?
Because a "good" book is ultimately the one that fulfills reader requirements. That reader could be an agent, an editor, or a single mother in Scranton, PA. They all have criteria.
Learn what those criteria are.
Promotion is about getting people to try you.
But once they try you, telling a good story is what makes that person a fan.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
The Best Promotional Bang For Your Buck
Actually, the title of this blog is misleading, because this type of promotion actually pays you. Perhaps not very much. And there is an investment of time. But this can allow you to reach more people than anything else you do, including writing your novels.
Naturally I'm talking about selling short stories.
I get a few emails a week from people who have discovered my writing in places other than the Jack Daniels books. And it makes sense why. There are a few hundred thousand Jack books in print. But if you combine all of the anthologies and magazines I've been in, my stories have been seen by over a million readers.
One of the problems with advertising is that it only offers a promise of something. But a story offers more than a promise. It offers a sample.
Your writing is the best advertisement for your writing, because if people like it, they'll buy more. But getting people to discover that your books even exist, and then try them, is hard to do.
Short stories help to bridge this gap.
There are several short story markets to consider, and I'll list the pros and cons. But first, an important rule:
WRITE FOR THE INTENDED MARKET.
Would you spend hours making a key without having a lock it can open? No. But many authors write whatever the hell they want to write and then erroneously believe there will be a market begging to publish it. That usually isn't the case.
Magazines, anthologies, and websites all have specific demographics. They want specific stories to please these demographics. It's much easier to write for a market than write according to your whim and then try to find a market that will buy it.
When you have found a market, read it. Don't guess what you think the editors will like. Discover what the editors like by reading stories they've already published.
Also, it makes good sense to write stories about the characters who are in your novels. The closer the tie in, the more likely you are to sell a book if someone likes the story.
Got it? Good. And if it stifles your muse, remind yourself that writing is a job. If you want to write for fun, why are you reading this blog?
Here are the markets:
MAGAZINES
Pros - They can have a large circulation, for both subscriptions and newsstands. They're usually specific in their target audience, which means your accepted story will reach a group of people that might not otherwise be aware of you. They can pay pretty well, though I've never gotten more than $500 for magazine fiction.
Cons - Magazines are disposable. While some of the genre rags are collectible, the majority of readers you'll reach happens during the month the mag is fresh. Most magazines, even the big ones, pay very little. And once a story is published by a print mag, it can only be sold again as a reprint, which lessens its appeal for other markets.
ANTHOLOGIES
Pros - Print runs and distribution can be huge. I was in an anthology called THRILLER which was published two years ago, and it has close to half a million books in print. I'm in two big anthos this year, WOLFSBANE AND MISTLETOE, edited by Charlaine Harris and Toni L.P. Kelner, and BLOOD LITE, edited by KJ Anderson for the Horror Writers of America. Both will have large print runs, plus they'll hopefully stay in print for years, leading new readers to my work. Pay can be pretty good---I've gotten as much as $2000 for stories. They're also a great way to find fans of bigger authors. Many people buy anthos for a specific author's story, then become your fans too.
Cons - The really big anthos are invite-only. This is where your conference schmoozing and networking pays off. Anthologies are very much about who you know. Most don't pay very well--sometimes you only get contributors copies. And the smaller anthos have small print runs of less than a thousand, so it might not be cost-effective to provide them with a story when you could be writing your novel.
LIMITED EDITIONS
Pros - Niche collector markets are how many horror writers stay in the black, selling ultra-tiny print runs in signed and numbered editions. As a collector, I love these things. They pay can be decent---a few hundred bucks---and it is a treat for your fans to own something exclusive. Plus, small genre presses have people who collect their whole press runs, so you can make new fans. You can also sell limited editions of stories that are otherwise impossible to sell, namely novellas.
I've got two Harry McGlade novellas coming out this year. For the uninitiated, Harry is a character in the Jack Daniels books. He's a private eye, and not a good one. Harry will be in SUCKERS, co-written with Jeff Strand, coming out from Delirium Books and clocking in at 12k words, and he has a novella in the antho LIKE A CHINESE TATOO, coming out from Dark Arts Books, which is the ungainly length of 13k. Not many markets accept stories of this size.
These are small print runs of under 500, but I'll be reaching some hardcore horror fans, which is a demographic that hasn't embraced my novels yet.
Co-writing is also a smart way to enlarge your audience. Strand writes funny horror novels (much like my funny thrillers) so we'll find each other's fans when SUCKERS. In the BLOOD LIT antho, I did a story with F. Paul Wilson, and hopefully some of his large fanbase will check my stuff out as a result.
Small presses also give you a chance to experiment, and get a little crazy. Those two McGlade stories have some scenes in them I'd never allow in the Jack books, because they're too over-the-top.
Cons - The small print runs and high prices usually mean no library sales, and collectors will hold onto their copies. This means limited readers, even if those readers become fans. And the money can be terrible or even non-existent, making these endeavors very cost-ineffective. Plus, once they're gone, they're gone. Unlike regular anthos, these usually have a limited shelf life.
THE INTERNET
Pros - This burgeoning market has many advantages. First, it is eternal. A story can keep finding new readers as long as it is online. Amazon Shorts, and some webzines, even pay you, so you've got the potential for unlimited readers and (in Amazon's case) unlimited income. Websites aren't as discerning as print publications, making it easier to get a story published on the net. Hell, you can even publish your own on your website.
Cons - The pay is often very small, and more commonly non-existent. Some print publishers consider online publication first rights, and won't publish anything that has appeared on the net. And many webzines aren't well-edited, meaning your story can look and read like shit, which isn't helping you to recruit fans. Plus, many folks don't like to read fiction online. And, if there are royalties involves, peer-sharing is going to take a chunk out of it. Why pay for something that you can get for free?
NEW MARKETS
Sure, we lament the dwindling circulation of the newspaper, and the lack of magazine fiction markets, but more markets are becoming available all the time.
Downloads are primed to take off, and not just for your computer or e-book reader. People are reading on their Nintendo DS game units (via Moonshell), iPods, PDAs, and even cell phones (if your phone has a browser go to http://www.textonphone.com/.) Print on demand is allowing anyone to edit their own anthology with http://www.anthologybuilder.com/. A few months ago, my son got audiobook CDs with his burger meal at Wendy's. This week, he got free print books in his cereal boxes---short paperback versions of the Spiderwick Chronicles.
There are more venues for our short works than ever before, and those short works are like started drugs, leading readers to the harder stuff that writers can actually make money on.
So when you're planning your next promotional endeavor, consider staying home and knocking out a few short stories. It's never been so easy to reach so many.
Naturally I'm talking about selling short stories.
I get a few emails a week from people who have discovered my writing in places other than the Jack Daniels books. And it makes sense why. There are a few hundred thousand Jack books in print. But if you combine all of the anthologies and magazines I've been in, my stories have been seen by over a million readers.
One of the problems with advertising is that it only offers a promise of something. But a story offers more than a promise. It offers a sample.
Your writing is the best advertisement for your writing, because if people like it, they'll buy more. But getting people to discover that your books even exist, and then try them, is hard to do.
Short stories help to bridge this gap.
There are several short story markets to consider, and I'll list the pros and cons. But first, an important rule:
WRITE FOR THE INTENDED MARKET.
Would you spend hours making a key without having a lock it can open? No. But many authors write whatever the hell they want to write and then erroneously believe there will be a market begging to publish it. That usually isn't the case.
Magazines, anthologies, and websites all have specific demographics. They want specific stories to please these demographics. It's much easier to write for a market than write according to your whim and then try to find a market that will buy it.
When you have found a market, read it. Don't guess what you think the editors will like. Discover what the editors like by reading stories they've already published.
Also, it makes good sense to write stories about the characters who are in your novels. The closer the tie in, the more likely you are to sell a book if someone likes the story.
Got it? Good. And if it stifles your muse, remind yourself that writing is a job. If you want to write for fun, why are you reading this blog?
Here are the markets:
MAGAZINES
Pros - They can have a large circulation, for both subscriptions and newsstands. They're usually specific in their target audience, which means your accepted story will reach a group of people that might not otherwise be aware of you. They can pay pretty well, though I've never gotten more than $500 for magazine fiction.
Cons - Magazines are disposable. While some of the genre rags are collectible, the majority of readers you'll reach happens during the month the mag is fresh. Most magazines, even the big ones, pay very little. And once a story is published by a print mag, it can only be sold again as a reprint, which lessens its appeal for other markets.
ANTHOLOGIES
Pros - Print runs and distribution can be huge. I was in an anthology called THRILLER which was published two years ago, and it has close to half a million books in print. I'm in two big anthos this year, WOLFSBANE AND MISTLETOE, edited by Charlaine Harris and Toni L.P. Kelner, and BLOOD LITE, edited by KJ Anderson for the Horror Writers of America. Both will have large print runs, plus they'll hopefully stay in print for years, leading new readers to my work. Pay can be pretty good---I've gotten as much as $2000 for stories. They're also a great way to find fans of bigger authors. Many people buy anthos for a specific author's story, then become your fans too.
Cons - The really big anthos are invite-only. This is where your conference schmoozing and networking pays off. Anthologies are very much about who you know. Most don't pay very well--sometimes you only get contributors copies. And the smaller anthos have small print runs of less than a thousand, so it might not be cost-effective to provide them with a story when you could be writing your novel.
LIMITED EDITIONS
Pros - Niche collector markets are how many horror writers stay in the black, selling ultra-tiny print runs in signed and numbered editions. As a collector, I love these things. They pay can be decent---a few hundred bucks---and it is a treat for your fans to own something exclusive. Plus, small genre presses have people who collect their whole press runs, so you can make new fans. You can also sell limited editions of stories that are otherwise impossible to sell, namely novellas.
I've got two Harry McGlade novellas coming out this year. For the uninitiated, Harry is a character in the Jack Daniels books. He's a private eye, and not a good one. Harry will be in SUCKERS, co-written with Jeff Strand, coming out from Delirium Books and clocking in at 12k words, and he has a novella in the antho LIKE A CHINESE TATOO, coming out from Dark Arts Books, which is the ungainly length of 13k. Not many markets accept stories of this size.
These are small print runs of under 500, but I'll be reaching some hardcore horror fans, which is a demographic that hasn't embraced my novels yet.
Co-writing is also a smart way to enlarge your audience. Strand writes funny horror novels (much like my funny thrillers) so we'll find each other's fans when SUCKERS. In the BLOOD LIT antho, I did a story with F. Paul Wilson, and hopefully some of his large fanbase will check my stuff out as a result.
Small presses also give you a chance to experiment, and get a little crazy. Those two McGlade stories have some scenes in them I'd never allow in the Jack books, because they're too over-the-top.
Cons - The small print runs and high prices usually mean no library sales, and collectors will hold onto their copies. This means limited readers, even if those readers become fans. And the money can be terrible or even non-existent, making these endeavors very cost-ineffective. Plus, once they're gone, they're gone. Unlike regular anthos, these usually have a limited shelf life.
THE INTERNET
Pros - This burgeoning market has many advantages. First, it is eternal. A story can keep finding new readers as long as it is online. Amazon Shorts, and some webzines, even pay you, so you've got the potential for unlimited readers and (in Amazon's case) unlimited income. Websites aren't as discerning as print publications, making it easier to get a story published on the net. Hell, you can even publish your own on your website.
Cons - The pay is often very small, and more commonly non-existent. Some print publishers consider online publication first rights, and won't publish anything that has appeared on the net. And many webzines aren't well-edited, meaning your story can look and read like shit, which isn't helping you to recruit fans. Plus, many folks don't like to read fiction online. And, if there are royalties involves, peer-sharing is going to take a chunk out of it. Why pay for something that you can get for free?
NEW MARKETS
Sure, we lament the dwindling circulation of the newspaper, and the lack of magazine fiction markets, but more markets are becoming available all the time.
Downloads are primed to take off, and not just for your computer or e-book reader. People are reading on their Nintendo DS game units (via Moonshell), iPods, PDAs, and even cell phones (if your phone has a browser go to http://www.textonphone.com/.) Print on demand is allowing anyone to edit their own anthology with http://www.anthologybuilder.com/. A few months ago, my son got audiobook CDs with his burger meal at Wendy's. This week, he got free print books in his cereal boxes---short paperback versions of the Spiderwick Chronicles.
There are more venues for our short works than ever before, and those short works are like started drugs, leading readers to the harder stuff that writers can actually make money on.
So when you're planning your next promotional endeavor, consider staying home and knocking out a few short stories. It's never been so easy to reach so many.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
The Short Of It
I've got an article online here:
http://writersdigest.com/articles/konrath_amazonshorts.asp
The article is all about Amazon Shorts, and whether they are a viable market for writers. But that's not the topic of today's blog.
Today we're going to talk about the immortality, in the virtual sense.
Every blog post lasts forever, or at least until there's a server crash or you manually remove it.
I've used the analogy before that a blog post is like a lobster trap. An unmoored lobster pot will kill for decades, because lobsters keep crawling in, getting trapped, dying, and becoming bait to lure more lobsters to their doom. Google and the other search engines, other blogs, websites, message boards, and newsgroups, all link to your blog, treating each entry as a seperate page. A post can keep killing for years after it was written.
Unless, of course, there's no reason for anyone to visit it.
Last week, I mentioned that information and entertainment are what people are looking for. When there are billions of things to see and do on the World Wide Web, having a specific focus can help surfers find you.
Now I want you to think about the last blog entry you either read or wrote. Go on. Think about it. And try to think of the search terms that surfers would need to enter into Google in order to find that post. Then try to think of a one sentence summary that another blogger would use when linking to that post.
If you're writing blog entries that can't be summerized, or can't be Googled using obvious terms, then maybe your blogging time isn't as effective as it could be.
How are people finding your blog? Are they people who are looking for you, or looking for something else and finding you instead?
You can guess which will recruit more readers.
So what is the secret to a blog post that will be relevant a year from now?
1. Define the topic. The more specific, the better. If you blog about baseball, you're competing for search engine rankings with eight million other baseball blogs. If you blog about left-handed pinch hitters named Raul, you'll be ranked higher, and get more hits.
2. Stay focused. Think essay. The Amazon Shorts article above was basically an entry from this blog. I try to make each of my blogs a self-contained article.
3. Offer something. People who read blogs are looking for expertise, advise, and opinion.
4. Encourage user-generated content. Ask questions, allow feedback, and foster repsonses. Debate is what separates the good blogs from the great ones.
5. Be consistent. Post regularly, and stick to the point.
Did I miss anything?
http://writersdigest.com/articles/konrath_amazonshorts.asp
The article is all about Amazon Shorts, and whether they are a viable market for writers. But that's not the topic of today's blog.
Today we're going to talk about the immortality, in the virtual sense.
Every blog post lasts forever, or at least until there's a server crash or you manually remove it.
I've used the analogy before that a blog post is like a lobster trap. An unmoored lobster pot will kill for decades, because lobsters keep crawling in, getting trapped, dying, and becoming bait to lure more lobsters to their doom. Google and the other search engines, other blogs, websites, message boards, and newsgroups, all link to your blog, treating each entry as a seperate page. A post can keep killing for years after it was written.
Unless, of course, there's no reason for anyone to visit it.
Last week, I mentioned that information and entertainment are what people are looking for. When there are billions of things to see and do on the World Wide Web, having a specific focus can help surfers find you.
Now I want you to think about the last blog entry you either read or wrote. Go on. Think about it. And try to think of the search terms that surfers would need to enter into Google in order to find that post. Then try to think of a one sentence summary that another blogger would use when linking to that post.
If you're writing blog entries that can't be summerized, or can't be Googled using obvious terms, then maybe your blogging time isn't as effective as it could be.
How are people finding your blog? Are they people who are looking for you, or looking for something else and finding you instead?
You can guess which will recruit more readers.
So what is the secret to a blog post that will be relevant a year from now?
1. Define the topic. The more specific, the better. If you blog about baseball, you're competing for search engine rankings with eight million other baseball blogs. If you blog about left-handed pinch hitters named Raul, you'll be ranked higher, and get more hits.
2. Stay focused. Think essay. The Amazon Shorts article above was basically an entry from this blog. I try to make each of my blogs a self-contained article.
3. Offer something. People who read blogs are looking for expertise, advise, and opinion.
4. Encourage user-generated content. Ask questions, allow feedback, and foster repsonses. Debate is what separates the good blogs from the great ones.
5. Be consistent. Post regularly, and stick to the point.
Did I miss anything?
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Inform and Entertain
I recently attended the Love is Murder Conference in Chicago. One of the panels I emcee is called Stump the Stars, which involves asking the bigshot guests of honor questions about their own books in a gameshow-style format.
The audience loves it, because authors often don't remember characters or lines from their earlier novels, and laughter ensues.
But Stump the Stars isn't just about entertaining the fans. After questions are asked, the author has a chance to explain more about the book in question.
The result? People watching have a good time while also learning about the authors and their books, and then buy them.
This is basically a microcosm of what every author needs to do to promote themselves.
Information on its own can be useful, especially if someone is seeking that information. I get hits on my website and blog all the time from folks who have no idea who JA Konrath is, but they've found me because they've Googled topics that I write about.
Remember that anyone looking for you can find you. One secret of self-promotion is to get people to find you when they're looking for something else.
Entertainment by itself is why most of us write. Our books are diversions, like TV or music. We're seeking fans who are actively seeking the kinds of stories we write.
Information can help to sell information. And entertainment can help to sell entertainment. But it's only with a combination of the two that an author can reach the widest audience.
When most authors begin to promote themselves---both on the Internet and in person---they seem to forget to entertain. As a result, they become walking commercials for their books. No one likes commercials, and their effectiveness is questionable at best.
So you, as an author, must provide more than simply what your book is about and where to buy it. You have to prove to your potential audience that they'll enjoy the book. This involves a combination of information and entertainment. If you can provide this for free, all the better.
Speaking of free information and entertainment, if you live in or near Chicago, I'll be doing a talk and signing at Susanin's Action House on 900 s. Clinton, February 13th from 7pm until 9pm. The event is hosted by the 24/8 Book Club. It's free, and they'll be selling books there.
Joining me are mystery authors Laura Caldwell and Marcus Sakey. I promise it will be fun.
The audience loves it, because authors often don't remember characters or lines from their earlier novels, and laughter ensues.
But Stump the Stars isn't just about entertaining the fans. After questions are asked, the author has a chance to explain more about the book in question.
The result? People watching have a good time while also learning about the authors and their books, and then buy them.
This is basically a microcosm of what every author needs to do to promote themselves.
Information on its own can be useful, especially if someone is seeking that information. I get hits on my website and blog all the time from folks who have no idea who JA Konrath is, but they've found me because they've Googled topics that I write about.
Remember that anyone looking for you can find you. One secret of self-promotion is to get people to find you when they're looking for something else.
Entertainment by itself is why most of us write. Our books are diversions, like TV or music. We're seeking fans who are actively seeking the kinds of stories we write.
Information can help to sell information. And entertainment can help to sell entertainment. But it's only with a combination of the two that an author can reach the widest audience.
When most authors begin to promote themselves---both on the Internet and in person---they seem to forget to entertain. As a result, they become walking commercials for their books. No one likes commercials, and their effectiveness is questionable at best.
So you, as an author, must provide more than simply what your book is about and where to buy it. You have to prove to your potential audience that they'll enjoy the book. This involves a combination of information and entertainment. If you can provide this for free, all the better.
Speaking of free information and entertainment, if you live in or near Chicago, I'll be doing a talk and signing at Susanin's Action House on 900 s. Clinton, February 13th from 7pm until 9pm. The event is hosted by the 24/8 Book Club. It's free, and they'll be selling books there.
Joining me are mystery authors Laura Caldwell and Marcus Sakey. I promise it will be fun.
Friday, February 08, 2008
Let's Hear It For Podcasts
Last night I was a guest on Political Pistachio, an internet radio show hosted by my friend Douglas V. Gibbs. I basically blabbed for 90 minutes about publishing---the standard 90 minutes that I regurgitate during most of my speeches for newbie writers. You've heard me preach about this stuff before.
If you're still interested, you can listen to the show by following the link below. There are some tech probs in the beginning, so fast forward a few minutes.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/politicalpistachio/2008/02/08/Political-Pistachio-Conservative-Politics
When it was over, I was surprised how easy it was to do. It was so simple, it forced me to seriously consider jumping into the podcasting arena. With minimal effort, I could create audio segments to supplement this blog.
BlogTalkRadio.com allows a person to host a radio show, complete with guests and listeners calling in, all for free. It then archives the show, and creates an RSS feed so blog readers and iTunes users can subscribe and download it.
Naturally, my radio show would be the audio conterpart to A Newbie's Guide to Publishing, and it would involve me interviewing many of my writing peers to get their views on marketing, self-promotion, etc.
But before I jump into the arena, I'd like feedback. Tell me:
1. Would you be interested in my gabbing for an hour about this business on a twice-a-month basis, assuming I had cool professional guests with interesting things to say?
2. Who are some guests you'd like to hear?
3. How would you listen to this podcast? Would you be more likely to tune in live on your computer at BlogTalkRadio.com, or follow the link to the achived show at your convenience, or actually use the RSS feed and hook up your iPod for listening at your convenience?
I've been wanting to try out podcasting for a while, but didn't want to bother learning the technology. Now that the technology exists, I think this could be an interesting way to broaden my audience while also providing a service to new writers and to the authors I'd be interviewing.
Lots of writers blog. Not many of them podcast. Now that we all have our websites and blogs and MySpace pages, maybe this is the next big thing.
Your thoughts?
If you're still interested, you can listen to the show by following the link below. There are some tech probs in the beginning, so fast forward a few minutes.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/politicalpistachio/2008/02/08/Political-Pistachio-Conservative-Politics
When it was over, I was surprised how easy it was to do. It was so simple, it forced me to seriously consider jumping into the podcasting arena. With minimal effort, I could create audio segments to supplement this blog.
BlogTalkRadio.com allows a person to host a radio show, complete with guests and listeners calling in, all for free. It then archives the show, and creates an RSS feed so blog readers and iTunes users can subscribe and download it.
Naturally, my radio show would be the audio conterpart to A Newbie's Guide to Publishing, and it would involve me interviewing many of my writing peers to get their views on marketing, self-promotion, etc.
But before I jump into the arena, I'd like feedback. Tell me:
1. Would you be interested in my gabbing for an hour about this business on a twice-a-month basis, assuming I had cool professional guests with interesting things to say?
2. Who are some guests you'd like to hear?
3. How would you listen to this podcast? Would you be more likely to tune in live on your computer at BlogTalkRadio.com, or follow the link to the achived show at your convenience, or actually use the RSS feed and hook up your iPod for listening at your convenience?
I've been wanting to try out podcasting for a while, but didn't want to bother learning the technology. Now that the technology exists, I think this could be an interesting way to broaden my audience while also providing a service to new writers and to the authors I'd be interviewing.
Lots of writers blog. Not many of them podcast. Now that we all have our websites and blogs and MySpace pages, maybe this is the next big thing.
Your thoughts?
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Heels
Contrary to what everyone says about me, I'm not perfect.
Okay, actually no one says that about me. But feel free to start the rumor.
Striving for perfection, or at least trying to be the best you can be, is an admirable goal. Unfortunately, it isn't easy. Not due to lack of effort, but lack of subjectivity.
As a wise man once said, "A man's got to know his limitations." That wise man was Dirty Harry. And he's right.
Recognizing our own flaws, and then acknowledging that they need to be fixed, is hard to do.
One of my Achilles' heels is email. I just can't keep up. I answer the quick ones, but the ones that require more in-depth replies or scheduling issues get put off until I have an InBox of ninety-four urgent messages that all need to be answered yesterday.
Perhaps it's a discipline thing. Or perhaps it's a time issue thing. The fact that I don't like answering most email is also a factor. Whatever the case, I suck at email response.
My de facto coping mechanism for this flaw is to wait until the email piles up so badly I have no choice, then I'll waste two days answering it all. This adds unnecessary stress, hurts my career, and is just plain bad business.
But I'm halfway to fixing it. Because I've identified the problem, and the poor way I handle it, I can now try to brainstorm a solution. Here are some options:
1. Hire an assistant. While this would be helpful, I don't have the funds for it. And much as I would like having someone constantly remind me what I need to get done (another big Achilles' heel of mine is forgetfulness) I'm simply not at the stage in my career where it is necessary. I can still handle everything myself, I just don't.
2. Become less accessible. I see the allure in this. A lot of my email is fan-related, or new writers seeking advice. I open myself up to this because it's a way to help spread name-recognition, word-of-mouth, and brand awareness. I'm not a bestseller being bombarded with hundreds of emails a day, and seclusion could hurt more than help. So for the time being I'll keep public email address, and still allow people to contact me directly.
3. Schedule time. This makes the most sense, because it is within my power and budget. If I've established that answering email is important, then I have to devise a plan to get it done.But deadlines and travelling make consistency impossible, and uninforeceable.
4. Garbage in, garbage out. This is probably the best idea, and something I can certainly keep up with. As soon as I get an email, I should answer it immediately. Then I'll never get behind. But there's also a good chance I'll never check my Inbox again.
5. Schedule GIGO, adjusting accordingly. Now we're cooking. If I vow to answer email when it comes in, and chose to answer email at a semi-regular time (such as whenever I boot up the computer, when I wake up, or right after I finish writing my quota for the day) that addresses all of my concerns.
So I'll go with #5. But even though I have a semi-solution, there's still a chance of lapsing. Assuming I have very little self-control (a good assumption) what can I do to make sure I stick to this protocol?
Please hit me with your answer, and then take the opportunity to reveal one of your Achilles' heels, along with potential solutions.
A wise man (not Dirty Harry) once said, "There are no problems, only opportunities." Ask yourself what needs to improve about your career, then challenge yourself to do something about it.
Okay, actually no one says that about me. But feel free to start the rumor.
Striving for perfection, or at least trying to be the best you can be, is an admirable goal. Unfortunately, it isn't easy. Not due to lack of effort, but lack of subjectivity.
As a wise man once said, "A man's got to know his limitations." That wise man was Dirty Harry. And he's right.
Recognizing our own flaws, and then acknowledging that they need to be fixed, is hard to do.
One of my Achilles' heels is email. I just can't keep up. I answer the quick ones, but the ones that require more in-depth replies or scheduling issues get put off until I have an InBox of ninety-four urgent messages that all need to be answered yesterday.
Perhaps it's a discipline thing. Or perhaps it's a time issue thing. The fact that I don't like answering most email is also a factor. Whatever the case, I suck at email response.
My de facto coping mechanism for this flaw is to wait until the email piles up so badly I have no choice, then I'll waste two days answering it all. This adds unnecessary stress, hurts my career, and is just plain bad business.
But I'm halfway to fixing it. Because I've identified the problem, and the poor way I handle it, I can now try to brainstorm a solution. Here are some options:
1. Hire an assistant. While this would be helpful, I don't have the funds for it. And much as I would like having someone constantly remind me what I need to get done (another big Achilles' heel of mine is forgetfulness) I'm simply not at the stage in my career where it is necessary. I can still handle everything myself, I just don't.
2. Become less accessible. I see the allure in this. A lot of my email is fan-related, or new writers seeking advice. I open myself up to this because it's a way to help spread name-recognition, word-of-mouth, and brand awareness. I'm not a bestseller being bombarded with hundreds of emails a day, and seclusion could hurt more than help. So for the time being I'll keep public email address, and still allow people to contact me directly.
3. Schedule time. This makes the most sense, because it is within my power and budget. If I've established that answering email is important, then I have to devise a plan to get it done.But deadlines and travelling make consistency impossible, and uninforeceable.
4. Garbage in, garbage out. This is probably the best idea, and something I can certainly keep up with. As soon as I get an email, I should answer it immediately. Then I'll never get behind. But there's also a good chance I'll never check my Inbox again.
5. Schedule GIGO, adjusting accordingly. Now we're cooking. If I vow to answer email when it comes in, and chose to answer email at a semi-regular time (such as whenever I boot up the computer, when I wake up, or right after I finish writing my quota for the day) that addresses all of my concerns.
So I'll go with #5. But even though I have a semi-solution, there's still a chance of lapsing. Assuming I have very little self-control (a good assumption) what can I do to make sure I stick to this protocol?
Please hit me with your answer, and then take the opportunity to reveal one of your Achilles' heels, along with potential solutions.
A wise man (not Dirty Harry) once said, "There are no problems, only opportunities." Ask yourself what needs to improve about your career, then challenge yourself to do something about it.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Escaping The Vacuum
My mom has said on more than one occassion that when I was growing up she didn't know if I had the biggest ego in the universe or no ego at all.
I think that's a trait many writers share.
On one hand, we have the hubris that our words are not only important enough to put on paper, but that other people should take time to read them.
On the other hand, we are constantly in fear that we suck hard.
Unlike stage actors or musicians, where feedback is live in front of a group of people, writers get very little in the way of approval from their audience.
Sure, there are reviews. And if we're lucky enough to get published, there can be fan mail. But during the months it takes to write a book, we're usually working in a vacuum. The writing process is solitary, and feedback is often internal and fiercely critical.
This lack of confidence in our own abilities makes us work harder to make the book better, but it also causes a lot of worry and stress. We all face a perpetual teeter-totter of thinking what we just wrote is pretty good, then thinking it will never be published and the world will realize we're frauds.
But it doesn't have to be that way.
I've extolled the value of peer groups in the past. Having friends, family, and peers critique your writing is the fastest way to improve. But it works for more than the finished story.
Asking a trusted peer to read a work-in-progress can be a huge help. It can clear up nagging doubts, get you through a part where you're stuck, force you to regroup, and aid in motivation. A writer friend saying "This is great" ranks only below "I love you" in the most important words you can hear.
I'm lucky that I have half a dozen professional writers on speed dial, and if I get stuck, they're happy to help me out. Naturually, I return the favor. It's a combination of tough love, enabling, and a mutual admiration society, and it is one of the true joys of this business.
Don't have anyone to help you when you're wallowing in despair? Here are some tips to find that special someone.
I think that's a trait many writers share.
On one hand, we have the hubris that our words are not only important enough to put on paper, but that other people should take time to read them.
On the other hand, we are constantly in fear that we suck hard.
Unlike stage actors or musicians, where feedback is live in front of a group of people, writers get very little in the way of approval from their audience.
Sure, there are reviews. And if we're lucky enough to get published, there can be fan mail. But during the months it takes to write a book, we're usually working in a vacuum. The writing process is solitary, and feedback is often internal and fiercely critical.
This lack of confidence in our own abilities makes us work harder to make the book better, but it also causes a lot of worry and stress. We all face a perpetual teeter-totter of thinking what we just wrote is pretty good, then thinking it will never be published and the world will realize we're frauds.
But it doesn't have to be that way.
I've extolled the value of peer groups in the past. Having friends, family, and peers critique your writing is the fastest way to improve. But it works for more than the finished story.
Asking a trusted peer to read a work-in-progress can be a huge help. It can clear up nagging doubts, get you through a part where you're stuck, force you to regroup, and aid in motivation. A writer friend saying "This is great" ranks only below "I love you" in the most important words you can hear.
I'm lucky that I have half a dozen professional writers on speed dial, and if I get stuck, they're happy to help me out. Naturually, I return the favor. It's a combination of tough love, enabling, and a mutual admiration society, and it is one of the true joys of this business.
Don't have anyone to help you when you're wallowing in despair? Here are some tips to find that special someone.
- Join a writer's group. Most colleges, libraries, and bookstores have some sort of weekly or monthly gathering of writers. If they don't, offer to start one.
- Next time you're among writers (convention, conference, writing class, literary talk) introduce yourself to them. If you find someone with similar interests, offer to trade manuscripts.
- If you're a published writer, and have published writer friends (you can meet them at book fairs and writing conventions, usually at the bar), ask if they'll swap WIPs with you.
- Show your non-writer friends to critique like a writer. I have a download on my website that teaches how.
Book don't have to be written in a vacuum. Talking with peers can be encouraging and inspiring, even if it only amounts to a few kind words to help you trust yourself.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Who Knows You?
Successful diseases are spread by the infected rather than soley by the carrier. A carrier can only do so much. But if one person can make ten people sick, and those ten can each infect ten others, and so on, you have a a pretty successful disease.
Of course, people can become immune to disease. To survive, the disease must have the ability to mutate, spreading itself in a slightly different form.
Take the common cold. Chances are, we've all had a cold before. Probably several. They're all related to one another, but different enough that our antibodies can only fend of specific viruses. We get infected again and again.
It's no coincidence that viral marketing works in the same way.
We all want to be successful diseases, and infect others. Our pathogen is our writing. Our means of transmission include the Internet, bookstores, libraries, newspapers, magazines, radio, TV, and most importantly, other people.
But are the things we're doing actually doing anything at all?
Writing is a tough business for many reasons. Judging a writer's success proves tricky.
Is success about how much money the writer makes? How many copies of his work are in print? How many pieces of paper his name is on? Or is it more subjective, like how many awards he's won, or how the critics have embraced him?
For the sake of this article, I'll concentrate on a specific form of success, and the ways it can be verified.
Success = Name recognition.
Ultimately, your work sells your work. Or, more specifically, whether someone likes your writing or not plays a large part in if they'll ever read you again.
But for them to read you for the very first time depends on them discovering you.
It may be in a bookstore, browsing. As writers, we have little influence over this, unless we visit as many bookstores as we can and sign stock, and make sure our publishers get us on the shelves (easier said than done.)
But I believe that savvy writers put a lot of their marketing efforts into spreading awareness of their name and brand.
In short, I can't make someone buy one of my books, but I can make people aware that they exist.
Generally, the more people aware of a writer, the more successful he is. A percentage of people who know about you will seek you out, buy your books, and tell others about you, perpetuating the cycle.
To be a successful writer requires fame.
Looking at writers who have become successful, and comparing them to viral successes on the internet, I've found many comparisons.
A successful book is a lot like a successful YouTube video, or meme, or chain letter email. To reach a lot of people, the same things have to happen.
1. It Must Have Appeal. This is where your craft and talent come in. There has to be something about the work that interests as wide an audience as possible.
2. It Must Have A Distribution Network. The work must be available. The more readily available it is, and the easier it is to get, the more people it can reach.
3. It Must Be Talked About. The internet makes it very easy to share information, on two main levels. The first is through direct communication such as email, chat, message boards, and usenet, which allow us to share things with our friends, family, co-workers, and even strangers. The second is by being an authority, where people come to your website or blog and seek the information you're offering.
Both facilitate viral activity.
Real life counterparts to the net are water cooler conversations, telephone calls, and the media.
Becoming famous means being shared, and sharing occurs wherever communication does.
4. It Must Change. While there is an ever-increasing audience for fame, as more people are born every day (which theoretically means you can write one book that will continue to sell forever), a more reasonable approach is to re-infect the same people who have already been infected. That means offering them something new. This keeps the person, or the brand, famous.
In a perfect world, this four part cycle feeds on itself, growing and expanding as more people get in on it. People discover something (a book, a video, an email) and pass that information to others.
If enough people become aware of that information, fame happens.
If fame is big enough, money usually follows.
Now, we all have some fame. We're famous to people who know of us. Becoming more famous means getting more people to know of us.
In some cases, this happens ass-backwards. If a corporation has a lot of money, they can spend that money to make people aware that things exist. A writer can become famous if given enough of a push by his publisher.
But most publishers don't do this with most writers, and there are a lot of famous people who became that way for reasons other than a gigantic ad or media campaign.
There are YouTube videos that have been seen tens of millions of times, and emails that have circulated since 1994 and are still going strong. No advertising or big corporation necessary.
Anyone and anything can become famous. Which begs the question: What are you doing to help spread your fame?
1. Write Something Good. Sure, this is obvious, but it's also the most subjective. What appeals to one person may not appeal to another. Your goals should be to please your intended audience. The bigger the intended audience, the likelier the potential for fame.
2. Make It Available. Once you've written something good, you have to get it to people. The free and easy way is the internet. But we make our living in print, which means submitting to editors. If editors don't want it, perhaps it isn't good enough. Keep writing, keep improving, keep submitting.
3. Get People To Talk About It. This is what causes fame. It's also very hard to do, and even harder to judge the effectiveness of your efforts. In a complex system, cause and effect aren't easily distinguished.
But there are ways you can push the issue, and to check how well you're doing. On the net:
Of course, people can become immune to disease. To survive, the disease must have the ability to mutate, spreading itself in a slightly different form.
Take the common cold. Chances are, we've all had a cold before. Probably several. They're all related to one another, but different enough that our antibodies can only fend of specific viruses. We get infected again and again.
It's no coincidence that viral marketing works in the same way.
We all want to be successful diseases, and infect others. Our pathogen is our writing. Our means of transmission include the Internet, bookstores, libraries, newspapers, magazines, radio, TV, and most importantly, other people.
But are the things we're doing actually doing anything at all?
Writing is a tough business for many reasons. Judging a writer's success proves tricky.
Is success about how much money the writer makes? How many copies of his work are in print? How many pieces of paper his name is on? Or is it more subjective, like how many awards he's won, or how the critics have embraced him?
For the sake of this article, I'll concentrate on a specific form of success, and the ways it can be verified.
Success = Name recognition.
Ultimately, your work sells your work. Or, more specifically, whether someone likes your writing or not plays a large part in if they'll ever read you again.
But for them to read you for the very first time depends on them discovering you.
It may be in a bookstore, browsing. As writers, we have little influence over this, unless we visit as many bookstores as we can and sign stock, and make sure our publishers get us on the shelves (easier said than done.)
But I believe that savvy writers put a lot of their marketing efforts into spreading awareness of their name and brand.
In short, I can't make someone buy one of my books, but I can make people aware that they exist.
Generally, the more people aware of a writer, the more successful he is. A percentage of people who know about you will seek you out, buy your books, and tell others about you, perpetuating the cycle.
To be a successful writer requires fame.
Looking at writers who have become successful, and comparing them to viral successes on the internet, I've found many comparisons.
A successful book is a lot like a successful YouTube video, or meme, or chain letter email. To reach a lot of people, the same things have to happen.
1. It Must Have Appeal. This is where your craft and talent come in. There has to be something about the work that interests as wide an audience as possible.
2. It Must Have A Distribution Network. The work must be available. The more readily available it is, and the easier it is to get, the more people it can reach.
3. It Must Be Talked About. The internet makes it very easy to share information, on two main levels. The first is through direct communication such as email, chat, message boards, and usenet, which allow us to share things with our friends, family, co-workers, and even strangers. The second is by being an authority, where people come to your website or blog and seek the information you're offering.
Both facilitate viral activity.
Real life counterparts to the net are water cooler conversations, telephone calls, and the media.
Becoming famous means being shared, and sharing occurs wherever communication does.
4. It Must Change. While there is an ever-increasing audience for fame, as more people are born every day (which theoretically means you can write one book that will continue to sell forever), a more reasonable approach is to re-infect the same people who have already been infected. That means offering them something new. This keeps the person, or the brand, famous.
In a perfect world, this four part cycle feeds on itself, growing and expanding as more people get in on it. People discover something (a book, a video, an email) and pass that information to others.
If enough people become aware of that information, fame happens.
If fame is big enough, money usually follows.
Now, we all have some fame. We're famous to people who know of us. Becoming more famous means getting more people to know of us.
In some cases, this happens ass-backwards. If a corporation has a lot of money, they can spend that money to make people aware that things exist. A writer can become famous if given enough of a push by his publisher.
But most publishers don't do this with most writers, and there are a lot of famous people who became that way for reasons other than a gigantic ad or media campaign.
There are YouTube videos that have been seen tens of millions of times, and emails that have circulated since 1994 and are still going strong. No advertising or big corporation necessary.
Anyone and anything can become famous. Which begs the question: What are you doing to help spread your fame?
1. Write Something Good. Sure, this is obvious, but it's also the most subjective. What appeals to one person may not appeal to another. Your goals should be to please your intended audience. The bigger the intended audience, the likelier the potential for fame.
2. Make It Available. Once you've written something good, you have to get it to people. The free and easy way is the internet. But we make our living in print, which means submitting to editors. If editors don't want it, perhaps it isn't good enough. Keep writing, keep improving, keep submitting.
3. Get People To Talk About It. This is what causes fame. It's also very hard to do, and even harder to judge the effectiveness of your efforts. In a complex system, cause and effect aren't easily distinguished.
But there are ways you can push the issue, and to check how well you're doing. On the net:
- Google Yourself. Put quotes around your name and see how many people mention you on the web.
- Technorati.com. How many people are aware of your blog?
- Statcounter.com. Who is seeking you out?
- Marketleap.com. Who is linking to you?
- Email. Who is reaching out to you?
The higher the numbers, the more famous you are. If your numbers are low, figure out why. Is it because no one wants what you're offering? Or because no one is aware of what you're offering? How can you fix either situation?
In real life, the ways to check your progress are:
- Media appearances. Are you on the radio and television?
- Public speaking. Who asks you to speak, and who shows up?
- Book signings. How many people come to see you?
- Events. At book fairs, conferences, conventions, what kind of crowd do you draw?
Elsewhere in this blog, I lecture at length about ways to improve your writing and your name-recognition, so I won't repeat them here. This article isn't about how to become famous. It's about the importance of fame and how to monitor it.
Every time you sell a story, speak in public, or post a blog, you have the potential to reach new fans and spread your fame. They may seek you out again, if your story/speech/blog is good enough.
But it will take a very long time to become famous if you're recruiting fans one at a time.
If your story is so good that it gets passed around, if your speech is so terrific that it sells fifty books to people who hadn't heard of you previously, and if your blog is so relevant that people reference it in other blogs, then you have a much better shot at fame.
So ask yourself these three questions.
1. Who knows you?
2. How can you get people to know you?
3. How can you make these people spread the word about you?
It all begins by looking inward and analyzing what you're doing.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Bad Stories
I'm a judge for a writing contest, being held by an organization that shall remain nameless.
Being a judge involves reading over a thousand short stories written by newbies.
It's a painful job.
Ninety-nine percent of the entries share similar problems. These problems occur with such frequency that I've decided to write a story to illustrate them.
In the following short, try to spot all of the things that would make it a losing entry:
THE CHURCH ON BY JOE KONRATH
It was a very sunny day in the spring of 2004 in fact it was so sunny, that even the sun had to wear sunglasses! It was on this very sunny day that I first met my wife. Her name was Rhoda, and she loved life. She lived in a house at 8786 Cranberry road, with her mother and three dogs named Sharpie, Bull, and Doxie, who are a Sharpei, a bulldog, and a doxhund. Boy were those dogs trouble! Yes they were! Trouble spelled T-R-O-U-B-L-E with a capitol T! But Rhonda loved those dogs, so much, that I never would have guessed, how it all ended up. And, boy, did it end up, bad! On a very cloudy day in the fall of 2006, Rhonda took the dogs out for a walk, but you can actually say that they walked her. Those were some frisky dogs! As they all walk to my house, Sharpie sniffe d out a skunk and got squirted, which smelled even worse. Sharpe thought it was a cat, but he sure was surprised! When Rhonda brought the dogs into my house, boy was I ever really very upset.
"You need to get that foul smelling pooch into a bath of half tomato juice and half vinegar and half baking soda!" I loudly exclaimed with a huge frown creasing my unhappy face.
"But Sharpie is allergic to tomato juice!" proclaimed RHonda as she stamps her foot and pouts with her hands on her hips cocked out like a diva.
""I not asking the pooch to drink any tomato juice, just take a bath in it!" I loudly laughed hard.
The next week I proposed to Rohnda, and we were married at St. Vincent's Church on 472 Smith street on a very sunny spring day and Sharpie was supposed to be the ring barer with a little pillow tied to his back but guess what? He got into another skunk right before the ceremony! That screwy pooch just didn't learn better! So Sharpie comes runnin down the isle and everyone in the church is holding their noses. They were literaly in the pews saying PEE YOO. Now I wasn't going to say my vows wearing a light tan medium wooden closepin on my nose, so I told my best man Zeke to take Sharpie out of that church but make sure to bring back the rings so we coudl still salvage this disaster. Four minutes later, Zeke locked out Sharpie outside the church but guess what?!? Now he smelled like skunk! I should have known to bring some tomato juice to my wedding day!
I told him ""Sorry Zeke my best man but you have to wait out outside the chucrh with Sharpie" I said funnily because I am holding my nose! Everyone laughed especially my bride as Zeke stomped dejectedly out of
the church like an unclean leper. He felt so terrible he wanted to go jump in a lake, and he thought maybe he should because that will get some of the skunk stink off but he couldn't because the tuxedo was rented!. The next year Rhonda died of pnemonia and cancer, but I still have the dogs to remind me of her, and I love little Shapie but I always keep some tomato juice around just in case!
-------------------------------------
And yes, unfortunately, some of the stories are this bad. But mostly this is an amalgamation of the many things wrong with newbie short stories.
Some of the errors are obvious. Some are a bit harder to spot. But there are close to a hundred faults, any one of which would make me stop reading and file the story in the trash.
How many can you spot? I'm not looking for a blow-by-blow list, but rather general rules, such as spelling problems and changing tense.
Being a judge involves reading over a thousand short stories written by newbies.
It's a painful job.
Ninety-nine percent of the entries share similar problems. These problems occur with such frequency that I've decided to write a story to illustrate them.
In the following short, try to spot all of the things that would make it a losing entry:
THE CHURCH ON BY JOE KONRATH
It was a very sunny day in the spring of 2004 in fact it was so sunny, that even the sun had to wear sunglasses! It was on this very sunny day that I first met my wife. Her name was Rhoda, and she loved life. She lived in a house at 8786 Cranberry road, with her mother and three dogs named Sharpie, Bull, and Doxie, who are a Sharpei, a bulldog, and a doxhund. Boy were those dogs trouble! Yes they were! Trouble spelled T-R-O-U-B-L-E with a capitol T! But Rhonda loved those dogs, so much, that I never would have guessed, how it all ended up. And, boy, did it end up, bad! On a very cloudy day in the fall of 2006, Rhonda took the dogs out for a walk, but you can actually say that they walked her. Those were some frisky dogs! As they all walk to my house, Sharpie sniffe d out a skunk and got squirted, which smelled even worse. Sharpe thought it was a cat, but he sure was surprised! When Rhonda brought the dogs into my house, boy was I ever really very upset.
"You need to get that foul smelling pooch into a bath of half tomato juice and half vinegar and half baking soda!" I loudly exclaimed with a huge frown creasing my unhappy face.
"But Sharpie is allergic to tomato juice!" proclaimed RHonda as she stamps her foot and pouts with her hands on her hips cocked out like a diva.
""I not asking the pooch to drink any tomato juice, just take a bath in it!" I loudly laughed hard.
The next week I proposed to Rohnda, and we were married at St. Vincent's Church on 472 Smith street on a very sunny spring day and Sharpie was supposed to be the ring barer with a little pillow tied to his back but guess what? He got into another skunk right before the ceremony! That screwy pooch just didn't learn better! So Sharpie comes runnin down the isle and everyone in the church is holding their noses. They were literaly in the pews saying PEE YOO. Now I wasn't going to say my vows wearing a light tan medium wooden closepin on my nose, so I told my best man Zeke to take Sharpie out of that church but make sure to bring back the rings so we coudl still salvage this disaster. Four minutes later, Zeke locked out Sharpie outside the church but guess what?!? Now he smelled like skunk! I should have known to bring some tomato juice to my wedding day!
I told him ""Sorry Zeke my best man but you have to wait out outside the chucrh with Sharpie" I said funnily because I am holding my nose! Everyone laughed especially my bride as Zeke stomped dejectedly out of
the church like an unclean leper. He felt so terrible he wanted to go jump in a lake, and he thought maybe he should because that will get some of the skunk stink off but he couldn't because the tuxedo was rented!. The next year Rhonda died of pnemonia and cancer, but I still have the dogs to remind me of her, and I love little Shapie but I always keep some tomato juice around just in case!
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And yes, unfortunately, some of the stories are this bad. But mostly this is an amalgamation of the many things wrong with newbie short stories.
Some of the errors are obvious. Some are a bit harder to spot. But there are close to a hundred faults, any one of which would make me stop reading and file the story in the trash.
How many can you spot? I'm not looking for a blow-by-blow list, but rather general rules, such as spelling problems and changing tense.
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