Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Self Published Authors Guild

I was told by the Bilderberg Group that I can finally make this announcement; I'm the first president of the newly formed SPAG - Self Published Authors Guild.

All of the top indie authors in the world have been meeting, in person and in highly complicated Skype chats where we all have little squares like the credits of The Brady Bunch (or The Hollywood Squares) in order to create an organization that specifically meets the growing needs of self-pubbed authors.

Our first orders of business will be as follows:

1. Start the Hugs For Reviews initiative.

Everyone knows that I've gotten more than 15,000 reviews on Amazon, and I've paid an average of $50 per review to people who haven't actually read my books. Hugs For Reviews will streamline this process, providing SPAG members with a database of fake reviewers (examinateurs fausses) who will pretend to read your work and then give it five stars, all in exchange for cash.

We're calling it "Hugs For Reviews" instead of "Cash For Reviews" to ward off all the whiny little Twitter bitches who will cry moral outrage if they hear money is involved. 

2. Demand, via notarized petition delivered to Jeff Bezos via overnight FedEx, that Amazon begin paying KDP authors 200% royalties.

For years, we've endured the indignity of 70% royalties, without any collective bargaining power to get Amazon to raise that number to something fair. SPAG members are responsible for more than 85% of Amazon's total world sales, and we want a bigger piece of the pie.

With 200% royalties, Amazon will pay us double the list price of every book we sell on their many websites around the world. They'll also pay double current market value for our cover art, formatting, proofreading, and when required, ghost writing. 

3. Initiate the "Let's Shame A Legacy Author" campaign. 

Starting immediately, we will be partnering with renowned telemarketing firm CYDD (Call You During Dinner) to pester everyone who has a current Big 5 contract by phoning them up to 38 times a day, calling them "Pinhead!" and then hanging up. 

Our Facebook page will list everyone who has ever signed a legacy deal, along with their addresses, pictures of their homes, cars, children, pets, and childhood friends. Then we will be sending them vague, cryptic, anonymous threats such as, "That's a really nice car. Stop signing legacy contracts or we'll blow up Wyoming."

Also, we'll probably do something with LinkedIn, once we figure out if it facilitates anything other than irritating humble bragging.

4. Buy the Authors Guild, tear it down, and build something useful in its place, like an Uno's Pizzaria.

Damn, Uno's is some great stuffed pizza! And that's no April Fool joke.

SPAG will be open to the tens of thousands of self-pubbed authors who can offer documented and notarized proof that they earn more than $500,000 a year. That should cover just about everyone.

As your first SPAG president, I'd like to take this opportunity to say that I have your many concerns as an indie author first and foremost in mind, and I'll devote myself 24/7 to meeting your needs, which will be difficult to juggle with all the embezzling I plan on doing with SPAG membership fees.

Also, SPAG membership is $500,000 a year.

This annual fee includes a part-time staff member who can help you update your LinkedIn profile. His name is Charlie, but don't give him any of your personal info, because he's a registered sex offender.

I encourage you to join SPAG immediately. With our united efforts can we stomp out the injustice of something or other. 

Remember: It's Us vs. Them. Only by driving a wedge between us and our well-meaning peers can we ever hope to show them how much they suck.

Joe Konrath, SPAG President